did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We had to coat check the pizza.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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