what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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