Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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