New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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