matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
