Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
where are you?
Hypothermia
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
