There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
