If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
he high fived his dick after we had sex
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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