Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
