That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just threw up on my dentist
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
