My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
