I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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