Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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