and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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