Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
