I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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