I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
