You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If I die, sorry about rent.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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