just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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