Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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