dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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