Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
