My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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