I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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