I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
