When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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