Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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