She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
