She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
