my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
