Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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