I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Pooping to opera.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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