I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
