matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
look no pants
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
