My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
