Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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