Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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