How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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