Can Purell be used as lube?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
