He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
