AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
