I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
