I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
