found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
