Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
