sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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