So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
