Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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