I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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