I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
why do cheetos always look like penises
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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