and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
