I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
