ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
