At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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