the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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