mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
