I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
