he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
