Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
