Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
