He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
zippers are such a cool invention
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
